Pressure
6 Ways to Be Better Under It
I wrote these words in a writer’s notebook when I was a high-strung, painfully sensitive 18-year-old:
The only way to find happiness in your lifetime is by always trying to be the calm in the center of the storm.
As it turns out, I somehow found happiness; more likely, it found me. But that “calm in the center of the storm?” Didn’t happen. It eluded me then, and it eludes me now.
For years, I have gravitated to people who naturally possess that unshakeable Zen-ness I so admire. I think specifically of my dear friend and personal guru, Cam. In one of his finest moments, Cam (unphased by the breakdown of our band’s scrap-heap Ford Econoline van in the middle of a Utah desert) cheerfully repurposed a square of moldy plastic floor mat into a seal for a leaking air hose.
I have learned to accept that I will never be that good under pressure. Things rattle me: Making difficult decisions on the fly; defusing open hostility from somebody when I’m not expecting it; too many instructions at one time. And being ordered to “Just relax!” has exactly the opposite effect on me. It just makes me more stressed out.
I used to try to act like the archetypal Mellow Dude, hoping to fake it until I made it. All that really resulted was a condition best captured in the Talking Heads song, “Crosseyed and Painless,” where David Byrne sings
“Lost my shape/Trying to act casual.”
Lately, I have turned to the experts for insight. Watching ordinary people live their extraordinary lives has taught me to pay attention to how others keep it cool in a crunch.
Here are some solutions that surprised me:
Six ways to manage high pressure situations
1) Have a sip of water
Picture a typical talk show interview. The host has just introduced the guest, who briskly steps out from backstage, waves, and makes their way to the chair just to the right of the host’s desk. The audience claps with recognition and encouragement as the guest waves at the crowd, gives the standing host a hug, handshake or kiss on the cheek, and then takes a seat. The host sits down, offers a normally favorable comment on a) how good the guest looks, b) how much weight the guest has lost, or c) how long it’s been since the last time the guest visited. Then — and almost always then — the guest reaches for the mug of water that is always placed there for them, at the edge of the host’s desk.
Water, even just a sip, has been scientifically proven to decrease anxiety. One of the first things most of us say when visitors arrive at our house is “Can I get you a drink of something?” We do this instinctively, and it pleases us when others do it for us.
2) Stall, gracefully
This works best on a business phone call. You have been cornered with a demand that requires an immediate response. This is where some of us get nervous, say too much, and end up digging a big hole we can’t get out of. What works better is creative stalling:
- “I have a really busy morning, a lot of spinning plates in the air. Can I get back to you after lunch??
- “I’d love to get that done for you, but I can’t make that call alone. Let me talk to [conveniently-absent person: wife/husband/friend/spiritual guru] and get back to you in an hour?”
- “I don’t want to short change you. I want to give you what you want. Can you give me a few hours to iron out the details?
3) Consider the philosophical giants
Human beings have been stressed out ever since the very first homo sapiens was treed by a hungry carnivore 2.8 million years ago. That’s a lot of time to accumulate some wisdom on the subject.
One piece of insight that stands out is from Nelson Mandela:
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
Modern self-help literature leans heavily on the idea that we have no control over external events, only how we respond to them. As well it should: shit happens/deal with it goes all the way back to the ancient philosophy of Stoicism from the 3rd century BCE. The Stoics thought we should take an active, evolutionary approach to obstacles, reframing them as challenges. But, practically speaking, what does that really mean?
All I know is, when I focus on a mistake or a personal flaw, my wheels get stuck. My short-term memory, attention and judgement all suffer. On the other hand, when I shift to solution mode, I roll. Possible alternative routes present themselves. Some will work, some will not; either way, I’m in motion.
Stay in the center and you will be ready to move in any direction. (Alan Watts)
4) Answer Mother Nature (even if she’s not really calling)
You’re at an office party. It’s been a difficult month at work, sales are down and margins are thinner than usual. There’s tension where there should be teamwork, and you — a highly sensitive human being — are feeling it acutely.
Maybe it’s time for a pee. Even if you don’t really need one. What I’m trying to say is, excuse yourself from a conversation, head to the bathroom, lock yourself in a stall and, if it’s possible under the situational air quality conditions, take a deep breath and calm yourself. Sometimes even two minutes is enough.
5) Imagine the stressful moment from the perspective of your deathbed
Die every day in your mind. The suggestion is not as morbid as you’d think.
In the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan, it is believed that happiness is a product of imagining your own death five times every day. After all, there’s nothing quite like flashing forward to your last moments on earth to clear the mental slate of concerns and irritations that, ultimately, are going to be pretty inconsequential.
As a child and a teenager, I was terrified and often obsessed with my own death. Thoughts of mortality would wash over me like an existential wave, filling me with dread. Now, after many decades of habitually reminding myself of life’s brevity and magic, I find myself quite comfortable and friendly with my impermanence. As it turns out, learning how to die has had the effect of teaching me how to live.
Meditating on your own death can be as simple as a silent reminder to be fully present while eating a meal with loved ones. It can become a daily ritual, much like stretching or taking a long, deep breath.
I have no idea how it will feel to die. But my wish is to be surrounded by my family, as physically comfortable as possible, suffused with wonderful memories and — here’s the crux — at peace. I have chosen to construct that tranquility in my mind, now, while I’m alive.
When you have to go to the bathroom, it’s too late to build a latrine,” said Tibetan Lama Chagdud Rinpoche.
6) Blow on your thumb
What? Come on…
Well, as it turns out, thumbs have a pulse. When that pulse is racing, cool air slows it down. Here’s how I do it: take in a deep breath, hold it for 3 seconds, then slowly expel it with tight, round lips so that the air is cool. Then repeat. Here’s where I found this unique solution. Anyone familiar with meditation already knows the importance of deep breathing as a foundational activity in stress reduction.
Medium writers and readers, how about you? What are your go-to strategies when straight ahead goes sideways?
